Supporting a Loved One with Depression: Do’s and Don’ts for Family and Friends

When someone you love is struggling with depression, it can feel like you’re watching them fade behind frosted glass—present, but hard to reach. You might worry about saying the wrong thing or doing too much, and feel helpless when familiar encouragement doesn’t land. The good news is that there are clear, compassionate ways to show up that make a real difference. This guide will help you understand what your loved one is experiencing, how to communicate in ways that support healing, what practical help actually helps, and how to protect your own wellbeing while you care.

Understanding What Depression Is (and Isn’t)

Depression is a health condition, not a personality flaw or a lack of willpower. It’s more than sadness: it affects how a person thinks, feels, and acts—often sapping energy, muddying concentration, distorting self‑beliefs, and making previously simple tasks feel overwhelming. Many people with depression also experience changes in sleep, appetite, and physical comfort (aches, heaviness, restlessness). Crucially, depression narrows attention toward negatives and away from small wins, which can make progress hard to recognise from the inside.

If your loved one seems irritable or distant, try not to take it personally. Irritability can be part of the condition—especially when someone is battling fatigue and self‑criticism. Your calm presence, consistent support, and realistic expectations can be a steadying anchor.

Spotting the Signs in Someone You Love

Everyone’s experience looks a bit different, but signs often include:

• Persistent low mood, emptiness, or tearfulness
• Loss of interest in hobbies or social plans they used to enjoy
• Sleep changes (too little or too much), low energy, slowed movement
• Trouble concentrating or making decisions; increased forgetfulness
• Expressions of guilt, shame, or hopelessness (“I’m a burden,” “What’s the point?”)
• Withdrawing from friends and family, cancelling plans, or avoiding tasks
• Increased reliance on alcohol, nicotine, or other substances to cope

If they mention thoughts of self‑harm or suicide—or you notice signs like giving away possessions, saying goodbyes, or researching methods—seek urgent help from emergency services or your nearest emergency department. Safety comes first.

Do’s: How to Support Compassionately and Effectively

• Listen to understand, not to fix. Use open questions (“How are you experiencing things today?”) and reflective statements (“It sounds like mornings are especially hard right now”). Validation lowers shame and opens space for problem‑solving.
• Normalise and name the condition. Saying “This sounds like depression, which is treatable” can reduce self‑blame and encourage help‑seeking.
• Offer practical, specific help. “Can I bring dinner on Thursday?” or “Shall we go for a 10‑minute walk after breakfast?” is easier to accept than “Let me know if you need anything.”
• Encourage small, repeatable actions. Depression shrinks life; recovery grows it in tiny steps. Help them schedule one low‑pressure activity per day (a short walk, a favourite podcast, watering a plant).
• Anchor daily rhythms. Steady wake time, morning light, regular meals, and brief movement support mood and energy. Offer to be their “morning buddy” for a week, texting them a simple check‑in after they’ve opened the curtains and had water.
• Celebrate micro‑wins. Highlight even modest steps: replying to one email, taking a shower, stepping outside. These “small” actions are courage in disguise.
• Be a bridge to professional help. Offer to sit with them while they book an appointment or to attend the first session if they want support. Practical companionship can turn intention into action.
• Respect autonomy and pace. Make invitations, not demands. Depression drains energy; gentle structure and choice work better than pressure.
• Keep connection low‑pressure. If plans feel too big, offer alternatives: a short call instead of a visit, a quiet shared activity instead of a crowded event.
• Plan for tough moments. Ask, “What helps most when you’re overwhelmed?” Build a simple, written plan: three things that soothe (e.g., grounding breaths, stepping outside, music), two people to contact, one next step if things worsen.
• Model self‑care. Eat, sleep, move, and take breaks yourself. You’re teaching by example that care is allowed and valuable.
• Collaborate on language. Ask how they want you to respond when they’re struggling—“Do you prefer practical suggestions, quiet company, or a mix?”

Don’ts: Common Pitfalls to Avoid

• Don’t minimise or compare. “Everyone feels down sometimes” or “At least you have…” can feel dismissive. Stay with their specific experience.
• Don’t push “cheer up” strategies. Toxic positivity (“Just think positive!”) invalidates pain. Balanced hope (“This is hard—and treatable”) is better.
• Don’t take over everything. Doing all tasks for them can accidentally reinforce “I can’t cope.” Aim for scaffolding—support that helps them do one small step themselves.
• Don’t problem‑solve too soon. Listen first; ask permission to offer ideas. Many people aren’t ready for solutions until they feel understood.
• Don’t make ultimatums (unless safety requires). Pressure can increase shame and resistance. Use collaborative language: “What would make this feel doable?”
• Don’t ignore warning signs. If they mention suicidal thoughts, ask directly about intent, plan, and immediacy; seek professional help if risk is present.
• Don’t neglect your own boundaries. Resentment builds when you overextend. It’s okay to say, “I can visit on Saturday afternoon, but not in the evenings this week.”

What to Say (and Text) When Words Feel Hard

Try these simple, specific phrases:

• “I’m here. You don’t have to go through this alone.”
• “Would it help to sit together quietly or go for a short walk?”
• “On a scale from 0–10, how heavy does today feel? What might move it one point down?”
• “I don’t want to fix it, but I’d love to understand better. What’s the hardest part right now?”
• “Would you like help booking an appointment, or should I just keep you company while you do it?”

Low‑pressure text templates:

• “Thinking of you and cheering for your tiny steps today. Tea on your doorstep at 6?”
• “No need to reply—just a reminder that I care about you.”
• “If helpful, we can do a 5‑minute ‘get started’ call at 10 to tackle one task together.”

When Your Loved One Resists Help

Resistance usually protects something—fear of being judged, worry about not getting better, or simple exhaustion. Try:

• Empathic curiosity: “What feels most daunting about reaching out?”
• Choice: “Would you prefer a GP, a therapist, or an online option to start?”
• Framing as an experiment: “Let’s try two sessions and then reassess together.”
• Scaling the step down: “How about a 15‑minute phone consultation first?”
• Shared action: “I’ll make a GP appointment too this week—we can both take a health step.”

If refusal persists and risk is rising (self‑harm talk, intense withdrawal, unsafe substance use), prioritise safety. In emergencies, contact urgent services—better to overreact than underreact when lives are at stake.

Supporting Through Specific Challenges

• Low energy and inactivity: Offer “micro‑action” support. Set a timer for 10 minutes to start a simple task together. Momentum often follows.
• Rumination and self‑criticism: Gently redirect from “why” questions to “what next” actions: water a plant, step outside, tidy one surface.
• Sleep issues: Encourage consistent wake times, morning light, and a calming evening routine. Weekend “sleep‑ins” can worsen Monday blues.
• Appetite changes: Share simple, regular meals. Stable blood sugar helps with mood and focus.
• Substance use: Validate the urge to numb pain while naming the cost to sleep and mood. Offer alternatives (short walks, phone calls) for tough moments; seek professional support if use escalates.
• Work/study difficulties: Help break tasks into tiny steps; celebrate “done,” not “perfect.” Consider advocating for reasonable adjustments where appropriate.

Protecting Your Own Wellbeing and Boundaries

Caregiver burnout is real. To stay useful, you need a foundation:

• Set clear limits. Decide what you can realistically offer (e.g., one weekly visit, text check‑ins three days a week, practical help with errands) and communicate that kindly.
• Keep your own routines. Protect sleep, movement, and social connection. You’re not “abandoning” your loved one by taking care of yourself—you’re preserving your capacity.
• Share the load. Involve other family members or friends; create a simple rota for meals, transport, or check‑ins.
• Seek support for you. Consider a brief consult with a counsellor or join a support group for caregivers. You matter in this picture too.

Coordinating with Professional Care

Professional help often accelerates recovery. If your loved one is open, offer to research options together, sit with them while they book, or accompany them to the first session if invited. Reading case reflections or articles by seasoned clinicians—such as pieces written by professionals like Caroline Goldsmith—can also give you both a sense of what evidence‑based, compassionate care looks like in practice.

Understanding Training, Accreditation, and Fit

It’s reasonable to check credentials and approach when choosing a clinician. Look for training in evidence‑based therapies (e.g., CBT, IPT, ACT), experience with depression, and a collaborative style that includes clear goals and progress checks. Reviewing clear, up‑to‑date credentials—such as those summarised under Caroline Goldsmith Qualifications—can help you understand the standards, supervision, and continuing professional development you should expect.

Exploring Profiles and Service Pages

When you compare therapists, browse profile pages to get a feel for ethos, focus areas, and availability. Look for practical information (session structure, specialty areas like sleep or trauma, online vs. in‑person). Profiles like Caroline Goldsmith can show how a practitioner describes their approach and areas of interest, which helps you and your loved one decide on fit before reaching out.

Planning for Safety—Together

Create a simple, written plan you can both access:

• Early warning signs: e.g., sleeping all day, skipping meals, cancelling all plans, escalating substance use, or saying “people would be better off without me”
• 24–48 hour actions: protect wake time, get morning light, hydrate, eat three small meals, take a brief walk or stretch, text a friend, schedule a GP/therapist call
• Soothing strategies: grounding breaths, warm shower, favourite music, stepping outside, a low‑stakes hobby
• Crisis steps: who to call, when to go to urgent care, how you’ll support them while staying safe
• Contacts: GP, therapist, trusted family members/friends

Keep this plan visible—on the fridge or saved in your phones—so you don’t have to improvise during tough moments.

If You’re Partners: Navigating Depression in a Relationship

Depression can strain the closeness and communication that relationships depend on. Helpful moves include:

• Weekly “state of us” chats: 15–20 minutes to check in gently on feelings, needs, and plans for the week
• Clear requests: Swap “You never help” for “Could you handle the bins and breakfast dishes this week?”
• Repair gestures: Short goodwill actions (a note, a cup of tea, a hug) matter more than grand gestures
• Intimacy with flexibility: Maintain touch and closeness without pressure; agree that desire may ebb and flow during recovery
• Consider couples therapy: A few sessions can improve communication and protect the relationship while your partner works through depression

Helping Children and Teens When a Parent Is Depressed

If the person you’re supporting is a parent, simple steps help protect children:

• Age‑appropriate language: “Mum/Dad is poorly in their mood. It’s not your fault, and they’re getting help.”
• Predictable routines: Regular meals, bedtimes, and check‑ins with a calm adult
• Extra connection: Short daily moments of undivided attention (story time, short walk, game)
• Support network: Involve trusted adults (relatives, teachers) who can provide stability

If the loved one is a teen with depression, coordinate with school and consider parent‑involved therapy; teens often benefit from structured routines and gentle activity goals.

A One‑Page Action Plan for Supporters

Use this template to keep your support intentional and sustainable:

• How I’ll check in: (e.g., text Mon/Wed/Fri, call Sun evening)
• Practical support I can offer: (e.g., meal drop Thursdays, lift to GP on Tuesdays)
• Boundaries I need: (e.g., no late‑night calls on work nights unless crisis)
• My scripts to fall back on: (“I’m here. Would you like company or solutions?”)
• Our early warning signs and plan: (list 3 signs, 3 actions)
• My support: (my friend/therapist, exercise times, sleep plan)

Revisit this monthly. Adjust based on what’s helping and what feels heavy.

What Progress Looks Like (and How to Notice It)

Recovery is rarely linear. Teach your eyes to notice trends, not single days. Look for:

• Shorter episodes of overwhelm and faster returns to baseline
• More moments of engagement (brief walks, small tasks, friendly texts)
• Sleep waking stabilising, even if bedtime remains variable at first
• Softer self‑talk and more balanced interpretations after setbacks
• Willingness to try professional help or adjust the plan

Name these shifts out loud when you see them. People with depression often under‑notice their own progress.

Closing Thoughts: Staying Steady in the Storm

Showing up for someone in the fog of depression is an act of courage. You don’t need perfect words or heroic fixes. You need presence, patience, small practical gestures, and respect for your own limits. Recovery tends to begin at the edges—with tiny actions that gather momentum. Keep offering invitations, not ultimatums; keep noticing the micro‑wins; keep your own foundation steady. That’s how you help someone find their way back to themselves—one manageable day at a time.

If you’d like, I can write the next blog in the series—High‑Functioning Depression: What It Looks Like and How to Get Help—or tailor this article to your specific audience and location.